Blessings--Riding The Storms--Hope & Survivors--CareGivers--Recovery--Mental Illness--Special Needs

So this is  what she wonders 

When she opens her eyes

On another sleepless night

Afraid that she slept too long

That she missed something

That it's too late.

This is what she fears

That what she's done was wrong

Or that what she's done won't even matter

That what she has to give won't be enough.

This is what she finally screams

Now that she has one privet moment

To see herself & what surrounds her

This dreaded moment that she must let others do

What she can't give of herself

Again.

She cries

& Questions God

& Screams the most hateful vile words

Because she hasn't 

Not for years

Too numb & too grateful to break that spell

The one that seemed to memzmerize her

Safe

If only for a little while.

And she sees it's an illusion

& Finally that reality isn't so bad

Because the fears she had 

For the decades she'd lived before

Had become a distant memory 

Another life

Where her feelings used to be.

She'd lived now in the shadows of a new self

& A new life 

& A new joy 

Watching the one she loved 

So much more than herself

Become whole

By breaking to pieces & bravely building herself

Again.

So this new break in herself

This crack in the shadows 

With light she rarely understood

Shining in her eyes

Of feeling again

Isn't so scary after all

Like she'd feared.

Because she came to understand

Standing in the sun will burn

But it will let other things grow

Things she may not understand

Things that may catch in the breeze

& One day blow away

But finally deciding she was ready
To ride it out
And ride on the wind.

Blessings--It's All In How You See It--To The Ones I Wrote This For(You Know Why)--Hope&Survivors--CareGivers--Recovery--Mental Illness--Special Needs

To spend her nights 

Awake 

Exhausted with remorse & shame

Never sure 

That she has or will or can

Ever
Do enough.

To be so desperately afraid

To close her eyes

That the only one who should matter now

Will not wake up in the morning
Because she selfishly slept.

To know only a room away

Is the only one before this one

That she ever really loved

Is lying there pondering ending her own existence.

To know only a few miles away

The only one she ever respected before this one

Broke all the rules she ever cared about

& Walked away bent seemingly beyond repair.

To dream a sleep deprivated moment

Each time she blinked & closed her eyes

Aware that each night

Would bring only this.....

Then 

To walk outside those few stolen moments

Look into the stars

& Know the world is bigger than she is

& This too shall pass.

To wake up decades later

Knowing it was for a reason

& Looking back it was worth it

& They all survived.

This is the blessing so many wait for

And so she stands

Not alone

But with the beauty of the Universe

With her
Declaring her Strength
Her Faith
Her Love.

Tides Of You--Black Series

Blond hair 

Short 

against my fingers

Soft in my hands as I hold you.

Black nails

Long 

Tight on my waist

Hold me here without escape.

Crimson shirt

Silk on my skin

Softer than your voice in my head.

Moonlight above

Lights from within

Tides of you pull me in.

Touches Me--Black Series

Silence is your key

A trademark

Your pathway to my Heart.

Touch is your weapon

Wielded swiftly

Quietly you reach my Soul.

Judgement is your relief

Constant in Darkness

Our Light seeps in.

Careful is your motto

Reserve is Sacred

To feel a weakness.

Blessed protection is your gift

Bestowed upon me

I acknowledge your sacrifice.

Gentleness a precious moment 

touches me still

Your Love forever in my Heart.

Burned--Black Series

Fire

Burns as if alone

Content in it's singular existence.

Colors 

Fade in & out 

Light to dark, translucent, beautiful.

Alone

It can not stay

In need of contact with the air that surrounds it.

Craves

That touch, that brings it life

Without it, knowing it will surely fade.

Afraid

Of the force it desires

Of being overpowered, extegished from existence.

This 

I understand, this need for you

Your light, flames of crimson & sapphire blue.

For with you

I breath life

I so desperately crave.

Without you

I feel 

The air leave the room.

Balance
It seems
Is never easy.

To have your life
In me, to feed from it
Without being consumed by you.

Why
I keep coming back
Drawn to you.

Why
I move away
Before I get burned.

Linger There--Black Series

A blank page

It seems this is where 

You'll be.

A ringing in my head

A song I can't get out of

My brain.

It rests there

In my mind, a feeling 

Of you.

This feeling, sensation

Tender feeling I only allow myself when I think

Of you.

Funny, though, it should be you

Raw, difficult, mixed with all 

I fear.

My friends it seems

Are those closest in the dar, waiting

For you.

Things I can't explain

Things I need but refuse now to

Feel shame.

Dancing in the those shadows

We linger close, on the edge 

Of light.

And, as always

I linger there for you.